I Miss Him :(

" It's Like your screaming, and no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important.
That without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless. Like nothing can save you. and when its over and its gone,you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back...so that you could have the good."

Rihanna (we found Love)

lost in translation..

I hear from everyone all the time that they hate those in between times...those growing pains...that time where you can see the future , feel the greatness to come...yet you are still stuck in that awkward in between time...where life still blows the big one sometimes...lol A great song I found to describe what I am talking about actually is sung by Britney spears...here you can read it and see what I mean,



"I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman"

I used to think
I had the answers to everything,
But now I know
Life doesn't always go my way, yeah...
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...

[Chorus:]
I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

[Verse 2]
I'm not a girl,
There is no need to protect me.
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own.
I've seen so much more than you know now,
So don't tell me to shut my eyes.

[Chorus]

I'm not a girl,
But if you look at me closely,
You will see it my eyes.
This girl will always find
Her way.

I'm not a girl
(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe).
Not Yet a woman
(I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah).
All I need is time (All I need),
A moment that is mine (That is mine),
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time (All I need),
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.



I guess I am in one of those in between times and I am not exactlly sure how to go about transitioning....I see greatness...i even feel how awesome and amazing things will be...the only question I have is how long????? I know you can't put a time limit on all things but....come on really....I don't know how much longer we can all do this...were losing things we never wanted to and turning in directions for comfort and distraction that are new and diffrent and I don't know where we will end up after we come out of this transition....i'm just lost in the translation right now...

A whole new world :)

well I am living in a whole new world :) lots of changes but I have discovered many things about myself along the way. I am discovering I am stronger than I thought and I like it! I am growing more confident in myself which is a good thing. my low self- esteem has held me back in my life but NO MORE! I know that I can't expect others to believe in me and my abilities if I do not believe in myself. I am a strong, capable woman who is on a path to self-discovery...I am proud of the person I have become and the woman that I am becoming..I am testing my own boundaries and am figuring out I am capable of so much more than I ever could have imagined.

New Chapter :)

well a new chapter has begun in my life. Ive moved (with a LOT of help) got a job and the next step is school :) I don't know what is in store for me , but, its a step in the right direction I know that....it has to be...otherwise i am at a loss at what to do. I need some direction in my life or i lose sight of my goals and then i just start living everyone elses life...because its easier to follow than it is to lead. there is a leader in my somewhere i just have to find her and i will one day. i just hope that day is soon. I am looking forward to my days now because I know each day could hold something new. opportunity surronds me. I am a coward if i don't take some risks and see where this path leads me. its all there in front of me now. I only have myself to blame if i can't at least try. As scary as all this is...I know in my heart it will be good for me. and I have decided to follow my heart on this one. I have the support from everywhere and everyone...and the opportunity..now its all on me....well no pressure...everyone has defining moments and I guess this is one of mine. ive come a long way from that little girl hugging her big cousin on the couch in her pochahontas nightgown...and its time to act it.

on my own...

you know...in life ..I have always had people to support me..my parents..my sister...my ex-boyfriend...my friends.......I have never made a go of it alone. I have never once just been by myself in a new place and made it work. Thats shocking..if I lost those people...(which some of them feel lost to me)...what would become of me? do the people in my life make me who I am? I know to a certain degree they do..and I am proud of the influences I have in my life..but does there come a point when it goes to far? I feel like I have no opinion's of my own...am I just following the lead of others and not setting a path for myself..others don't have to live my life..I do..so why then do I always look to others for approval and support?? I should be able to stand up and say with or without support this is what I want. I guess you would call this a lack of self-esteem. I see it more as a lack of self-disicpline. I am in so far that I don't even recognize the feeling in myself that says this is what I want...I don't know what I want because I can't even tell if what I am feeling is what i think it is. This probably sounds ridiculous to everyone else...HA !! there I go Again...wondering if what I am feeling is right and looking to others for support....I second guess myself on absoloutly everything..and I havn't a clue how to stop..i've gone back to my roots and still don't know who I am ..if I can't find who I am at my roots...then...where do I ever begin to look???

so whoever would have thought that I would turn out to be a country girl? well lol probaly a lot of people ...but I was never one of those people. However I am happy with the lifestyle right now....I work on a ranch..well sort of. it's a heritage place and I love it actually..I get to ride horses which has given me back a sense of peace I have been missing for a long time now. I forgot how much I loved riding...I would like to buy my own horse but that won't happen until I am for sure out of school..I don't want to have to sell it again. ..anywho...riding is awesome..and I also give tours of an old homestead and it is really cool. I love meeting all the people from all over the world. germany, australia, ireland, belgium, denmark, france ..the people come from all over the world and it is so cool to meet them all. so well getting back to my roots has helped, not everything is going the way i expected. I am home again..and so is my sis. not a bad thing but..we have not all lived toghether for years...since I was in grade 10...when kim graduted. so we are getting things sorted out. I am making not bad money but I have a huge stack of bills to pay and it is really starting to stress me out ..but what do I do? not a whole lot I can do so ...oh well...I am treading water for now..but at least I am finding a happy medium for myself...I am finding out what I really like. and who I really wanna be. Who knew I actually had a backbone???....

an amazing song.... The Call Regina Spektor

it started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger ans stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

good bumper stickers...<3

randomness.......

well...this is just a random post...no real reason for writing just wasting some time and venting a bit...who knows people say it helps. but...I don't want to vent anymore. I don't care too. I can vent and vent...I can go over the issues and problems again and again and what good would it do...what good has it ever done? obviously not a lot. so for now...no more. no more venting, no more fighting, no more thinking things over and over and stressing myself out. right now I will take life as it comes and just deal....Chell told me I just need a change...well I have a feeling change is coming for me whether I want it to or not. And if it doesn't find me I will just have to go look for it....*sigh* ( I really am a drama queen sometimes..lol) and what do you know....I ended up venting after all..SHIT...grrrr

gonna keep my head held high.....

ok ...lol

so things are looking up ...I am ont yet where I want or need to be but I am counting my blessings and realizing how many I have....family, friends, shelter, food, a vehicle....I HAVE COME TO SEE I AM SPOLIED...and spoiled rotten at that. there are many people who have much less than me and well...I should be happy with what I have...and the people I have in my life. My family as misguided as they may be in understanding who I am...they are trying and they love me and only want what
is best for me...my friends are awesome... amazing really...they know me better than I know myself sometimes.

ow all of this being said...some days all I can see is the things that are missing...I no longer have the energy...or the WANT to care about things that should mean the world to me...somedays just getting in my car with my paycheque and driving.....and driving....driving....see where I end up. which is not all around a bad idea. it would be an expierece. what scares me about that is that I dont know if I would tell anyone.I don't know if i would phone home. I don't know if I would come home. that is not an insult to the people in my life...it is not thier fault in the least. I know I would be hurting everyone If i did leave but...I need to find me..and in my current surrondings with everyone from my childhood surronding me I still feel like a child. I need to leave in order to grow into the woman I know I can be. I am nothing more than a doormat right now. I have no personality of my own. I am like a chamillion...I blend to my surrondings so as not to be noticed..i wish to be invisible and it works...all to well sometimes. I am lost ...what scares me the most..is this post is eerily similar to post from grade 8, 9, 10 etc...I have been trying to find myself forever...I have been unhappy and lost for so long I fear I can never correct it.

but as I said I will keep my head held high.

I am ok...I think

I don't really have anything else to say about that right now....I am destroying my life...piece by piece and ...I have no idea how to stop it. unemployed.. broke...failing...and moving back home...hmmm....I'm doing awesome aren't I?

i have come so far...

hello all!

well lol I have not written but today me and my friend were looking through our old blogs and I thought it would be fun to write now. I have come a long way from the confused teenager I used to be. I moved out of clinton and went to college. it did me a lot of good to get out of this town. I think i needed to separate myself for a bit. but I am back in town for awhile but not for long! my friends and I are blowing this popsicle stand and heading out to try it somewhere else! we are going to ren toghether and share expenses. I am excited to see what else is out there. I was scared to start over on my own..which is why this is awesome. I love my friends and moving with them means I have people I can depend on and so do they. I don't know how my family will take it but we will see. they want me to be happy. And I am not happy here. no , I don't know if I will be happy thier either but hey...I have to a least try. If I don't then I will regret it my whole life. I want to be better than this person who is just floating through life doing what everyone expects me to. graduate, go to college, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids...move back to my hometown and raise my kids....WHAT IF I WANT MORE THAN THE NORMAL. I am not saying that I don't wnat those things but...man...Who says that has to be me? who says thats all that I can be? I am in control of my life and I Want to live it while I can. I am happier now that I have been in a long time. things are not perfect but...i read my olds blogs and i do not know who that miserable, depressed person was. I was down and out with no way out. Now I am happy...I have faith that i will not fall in to that miserable trap again. lif is diffrent now and so am I. I still have not found myself compleatly but...I have come so far from that person. I am no doormat now...I am strong, I have confidence.. I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I no longer am listening to the people that care nothing for me. I live for me now. I live for me. And finally there is a me....i am my own person finally. I am still discovering what that person is made of, but finally....I like myself and what I have come to be. anywho! lol I will keep up on my blogging now! as tigger would say ttyl! lol :P

twilight couples haha

Twilight :) and pictures I love lol

LAST BLOG EVER....

Well , I graduated on Saturday the 14th of june 2008. IT WAS AWESOME! and well lol this is the last time I will ever have to write a blog ever. I was asked to comment on my first blog I wrote this year. well lol it sounds like I Was a pretty confused girl. But hey lol I MADE IT! regaurdless of everything that has happened this year. my first blog I talked about my summer and everything that happened over the summer. it sounds like I had a lot of changes over the summer. but oh well lol...it was nothing compared to this year I am sure. you know now that I am a short two days away from being compleatly free of high school...it's not so scary. It's sad that it is all over but...I am no longer scared. I am kind of excited to see what the next step in my life will be. I know I have college in january, but, I have a couple free months before I start school. I imagine I will move, and then I guess I will get a job and see how much I can save for schooling:) I sure hope all of my plans work out for me.

10 DAYS!!! AND COUNTING!

lol yay yay yay yay yay yah!! only one more weekend of waiting! then 5 more days of school! and then GRAD!!!
OMG LOL crunch time is almost over and I AM GONNA MAKE IT! i am too excited right now! Grad is going to be awesome!

lol ok I will stop Gloating about grad haha

anyways i love this song!!!

it is called "Follow me" by Uncle Kracker.
i love the beat of this song and I can't wait to listen to it ahahah
if you get the chance definatly go check it out on youtube people!




You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

And I worry 'bout the ring you wear
Cause as long as no one knows
That nobody can care
Your fellin guilty
And I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
And baby I'm not scared
Im singin...

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Solo

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
It better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go stranded
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you cant turn around and say good-bye
All you know is when im with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Graduation!!

well graduation is coming up and I am so looking forward to it!!
I can't wait! and the scary part is it is only like 2 1\2 weeks away!
i am excited:) I love my dress , and daniella is gonna do my hair and make-up and I have two wonderful escorts lined up:):) Todd and Darin:) they are both gonna look so awesome!!! I can't wait to see them in thier tuxes!

there is only one bad thing about Grad..it being only 3 weeks away means it crunch time!!! we have to crack down and get those assingments in and make sure we are above 50% or grad goes BYE BYE for us. then after grad it's exam week!! YAY haha not!! oh well though I am looking forward to it being all over and done with!

also with Grad so fast approaching it is time to think of what we want after Grad...like where we are going..or are we sticking around clinton for awhile...or do we need to go and get jobs right away and all that fun stuff! I have an offer of a really good job in Alberta....but...i don't know if it is my thing..It is so far away and I just don't know if I can do it! it's a pretty scary thought. especially when I would need to be there on july 1st! it's just so sudden...a major life change very suddenly. and as silly as this may sound...I think I have to do this because it scares me..if that makes any sense...maybe I am to settled in my life...who knows..I sure don't...i guess I think even as scary as moving away from everything and everyone I know is..I have this feeling I will regret it is I don't..you know?

oh well it's all something to wonder about I guess!!

BUT YAY FOR GRAD... and not so yay for the decisions along with it...but we all have to grow up at some point.

some of my favourite quotes

these are a few quotes that I love.....and that mean a lot to me because they are so true of me....so true.......

1. I Try to hold onto my past so much, that at times it gets in the way of my life today.....

2.I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all...

3. love me for who I am not who you want me to be

4. hope and reality are two very diffrent things

5.to the world you may be one person...but to one person, you may be the world.

6. love is like the wind..you can't always see it..but you feel it.

7. blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

8. this above all: be true to yourself

9. A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words

10.love is always bestowed as a gift: freely , willingly, and without expectation....we don't love to be loved: we love to love.

Hmmmmm.......lost myself

I think I have lost myself...I mean I really think that I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know this person....the person not living at home...the person who is almost failing and not grading..the person who doesn't know who she is...I never wanted to be like this..everyone looks at me so disappointed...like I should absolutly know better than to screw up like this..but does anyone see that I am trying????? I AM TRYING.... All I can do right now is do the best I can and after that....it's up to fate to decide what happens to me...but for now...I would like it if people could stop giving me the "oh good..she came to school today" looks and " oh dear She lent car to todd again" looks...by the way people...I don't lend him my car very often...and I trust him in in and thats all that should matter...it's my car and I am the one out a car in the end, so I don't see why it should be any concern of everyone else...but I do know that everyone is only trying to help me...I know that...and I appriciate it...I DO APPRICIATE IT REALLY.I know everyone loves me and is only trying to help me see what is best. I am lucky to have so many people that care:) I am just lost at the moment and when I find myself I will be the Teri everyone Knows and expects me to be...Until then ...please try and Accept the Teri that I am right now...

if your not the one lol

this is a Beautiful song. I first heard it one night when i was not having a very good night:) but eh...the song has stuck with me since that night. It`s called
if your not the one by Daniel Bedingfield.


here read the lyrics and if you get a chance listen to it on youtube or sumthing. you won`t regret it!



DANIEL BEDINGFIELD LYRICS

"If You're Not The One"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know whatthe future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms