I Miss Him :(

" It's Like your screaming, and no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important.
That without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless. Like nothing can save you. and when its over and its gone,you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back...so that you could have the good."

Rihanna (we found Love)

lost in translation..

I hear from everyone all the time that they hate those in between times...those growing pains...that time where you can see the future , feel the greatness to come...yet you are still stuck in that awkward in between time...where life still blows the big one sometimes...lol A great song I found to describe what I am talking about actually is sung by Britney spears...here you can read it and see what I mean,



"I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman"

I used to think
I had the answers to everything,
But now I know
Life doesn't always go my way, yeah...
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize...

[Chorus:]
I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

[Verse 2]
I'm not a girl,
There is no need to protect me.
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own.
I've seen so much more than you know now,
So don't tell me to shut my eyes.

[Chorus]

I'm not a girl,
But if you look at me closely,
You will see it my eyes.
This girl will always find
Her way.

I'm not a girl
(I'm not a girl don't tell me what to believe).
Not Yet a woman
(I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah).
All I need is time (All I need),
A moment that is mine (That is mine),
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time (All I need),
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between.

I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.



I guess I am in one of those in between times and I am not exactlly sure how to go about transitioning....I see greatness...i even feel how awesome and amazing things will be...the only question I have is how long????? I know you can't put a time limit on all things but....come on really....I don't know how much longer we can all do this...were losing things we never wanted to and turning in directions for comfort and distraction that are new and diffrent and I don't know where we will end up after we come out of this transition....i'm just lost in the translation right now...

A whole new world :)

well I am living in a whole new world :) lots of changes but I have discovered many things about myself along the way. I am discovering I am stronger than I thought and I like it! I am growing more confident in myself which is a good thing. my low self- esteem has held me back in my life but NO MORE! I know that I can't expect others to believe in me and my abilities if I do not believe in myself. I am a strong, capable woman who is on a path to self-discovery...I am proud of the person I have become and the woman that I am becoming..I am testing my own boundaries and am figuring out I am capable of so much more than I ever could have imagined.

New Chapter :)

well a new chapter has begun in my life. Ive moved (with a LOT of help) got a job and the next step is school :) I don't know what is in store for me , but, its a step in the right direction I know that....it has to be...otherwise i am at a loss at what to do. I need some direction in my life or i lose sight of my goals and then i just start living everyone elses life...because its easier to follow than it is to lead. there is a leader in my somewhere i just have to find her and i will one day. i just hope that day is soon. I am looking forward to my days now because I know each day could hold something new. opportunity surronds me. I am a coward if i don't take some risks and see where this path leads me. its all there in front of me now. I only have myself to blame if i can't at least try. As scary as all this is...I know in my heart it will be good for me. and I have decided to follow my heart on this one. I have the support from everywhere and everyone...and the opportunity..now its all on me....well no pressure...everyone has defining moments and I guess this is one of mine. ive come a long way from that little girl hugging her big cousin on the couch in her pochahontas nightgown...and its time to act it.

on my own...

you know...in life ..I have always had people to support me..my parents..my sister...my ex-boyfriend...my friends.......I have never made a go of it alone. I have never once just been by myself in a new place and made it work. Thats shocking..if I lost those people...(which some of them feel lost to me)...what would become of me? do the people in my life make me who I am? I know to a certain degree they do..and I am proud of the influences I have in my life..but does there come a point when it goes to far? I feel like I have no opinion's of my own...am I just following the lead of others and not setting a path for myself..others don't have to live my life..I do..so why then do I always look to others for approval and support?? I should be able to stand up and say with or without support this is what I want. I guess you would call this a lack of self-esteem. I see it more as a lack of self-disicpline. I am in so far that I don't even recognize the feeling in myself that says this is what I want...I don't know what I want because I can't even tell if what I am feeling is what i think it is. This probably sounds ridiculous to everyone else...HA !! there I go Again...wondering if what I am feeling is right and looking to others for support....I second guess myself on absoloutly everything..and I havn't a clue how to stop..i've gone back to my roots and still don't know who I am ..if I can't find who I am at my roots...then...where do I ever begin to look???

so whoever would have thought that I would turn out to be a country girl? well lol probaly a lot of people ...but I was never one of those people. However I am happy with the lifestyle right now....I work on a ranch..well sort of. it's a heritage place and I love it actually..I get to ride horses which has given me back a sense of peace I have been missing for a long time now. I forgot how much I loved riding...I would like to buy my own horse but that won't happen until I am for sure out of school..I don't want to have to sell it again. ..anywho...riding is awesome..and I also give tours of an old homestead and it is really cool. I love meeting all the people from all over the world. germany, australia, ireland, belgium, denmark, france ..the people come from all over the world and it is so cool to meet them all. so well getting back to my roots has helped, not everything is going the way i expected. I am home again..and so is my sis. not a bad thing but..we have not all lived toghether for years...since I was in grade 10...when kim graduted. so we are getting things sorted out. I am making not bad money but I have a huge stack of bills to pay and it is really starting to stress me out ..but what do I do? not a whole lot I can do so ...oh well...I am treading water for now..but at least I am finding a happy medium for myself...I am finding out what I really like. and who I really wanna be. Who knew I actually had a backbone???....

an amazing song.... The Call Regina Spektor

it started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger ans stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye