on my own...

you know...in life ..I have always had people to support me..my parents..my sister...my ex-boyfriend...my friends.......I have never made a go of it alone. I have never once just been by myself in a new place and made it work. Thats shocking..if I lost those people...(which some of them feel lost to me)...what would become of me? do the people in my life make me who I am? I know to a certain degree they do..and I am proud of the influences I have in my life..but does there come a point when it goes to far? I feel like I have no opinion's of my own...am I just following the lead of others and not setting a path for myself..others don't have to live my life..I do..so why then do I always look to others for approval and support?? I should be able to stand up and say with or without support this is what I want. I guess you would call this a lack of self-esteem. I see it more as a lack of self-disicpline. I am in so far that I don't even recognize the feeling in myself that says this is what I want...I don't know what I want because I can't even tell if what I am feeling is what i think it is. This probably sounds ridiculous to everyone else...HA !! there I go Again...wondering if what I am feeling is right and looking to others for support....I second guess myself on absoloutly everything..and I havn't a clue how to stop..i've gone back to my roots and still don't know who I am ..if I can't find who I am at my roots...then...where do I ever begin to look???

so whoever would have thought that I would turn out to be a country girl? well lol probaly a lot of people ...but I was never one of those people. However I am happy with the lifestyle right now....I work on a ranch..well sort of. it's a heritage place and I love it actually..I get to ride horses which has given me back a sense of peace I have been missing for a long time now. I forgot how much I loved riding...I would like to buy my own horse but that won't happen until I am for sure out of school..I don't want to have to sell it again. ..anywho...riding is awesome..and I also give tours of an old homestead and it is really cool. I love meeting all the people from all over the world. germany, australia, ireland, belgium, denmark, france ..the people come from all over the world and it is so cool to meet them all. so well getting back to my roots has helped, not everything is going the way i expected. I am home again..and so is my sis. not a bad thing but..we have not all lived toghether for years...since I was in grade 10...when kim graduted. so we are getting things sorted out. I am making not bad money but I have a huge stack of bills to pay and it is really starting to stress me out ..but what do I do? not a whole lot I can do so ...oh well...I am treading water for now..but at least I am finding a happy medium for myself...I am finding out what I really like. and who I really wanna be. Who knew I actually had a backbone???....

an amazing song.... The Call Regina Spektor

it started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger ans stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

good bumper stickers...<3

randomness.......

well...this is just a random post...no real reason for writing just wasting some time and venting a bit...who knows people say it helps. but...I don't want to vent anymore. I don't care too. I can vent and vent...I can go over the issues and problems again and again and what good would it do...what good has it ever done? obviously not a lot. so for now...no more. no more venting, no more fighting, no more thinking things over and over and stressing myself out. right now I will take life as it comes and just deal....Chell told me I just need a change...well I have a feeling change is coming for me whether I want it to or not. And if it doesn't find me I will just have to go look for it....*sigh* ( I really am a drama queen sometimes..lol) and what do you know....I ended up venting after all..SHIT...grrrr

gonna keep my head held high.....

ok ...lol

so things are looking up ...I am ont yet where I want or need to be but I am counting my blessings and realizing how many I have....family, friends, shelter, food, a vehicle....I HAVE COME TO SEE I AM SPOLIED...and spoiled rotten at that. there are many people who have much less than me and well...I should be happy with what I have...and the people I have in my life. My family as misguided as they may be in understanding who I am...they are trying and they love me and only want what
is best for me...my friends are awesome... amazing really...they know me better than I know myself sometimes.

ow all of this being said...some days all I can see is the things that are missing...I no longer have the energy...or the WANT to care about things that should mean the world to me...somedays just getting in my car with my paycheque and driving.....and driving....driving....see where I end up. which is not all around a bad idea. it would be an expierece. what scares me about that is that I dont know if I would tell anyone.I don't know if i would phone home. I don't know if I would come home. that is not an insult to the people in my life...it is not thier fault in the least. I know I would be hurting everyone If i did leave but...I need to find me..and in my current surrondings with everyone from my childhood surronding me I still feel like a child. I need to leave in order to grow into the woman I know I can be. I am nothing more than a doormat right now. I have no personality of my own. I am like a chamillion...I blend to my surrondings so as not to be noticed..i wish to be invisible and it works...all to well sometimes. I am lost ...what scares me the most..is this post is eerily similar to post from grade 8, 9, 10 etc...I have been trying to find myself forever...I have been unhappy and lost for so long I fear I can never correct it.

but as I said I will keep my head held high.

I am ok...I think

I don't really have anything else to say about that right now....I am destroying my life...piece by piece and ...I have no idea how to stop it. unemployed.. broke...failing...and moving back home...hmmm....I'm doing awesome aren't I?

i have come so far...

hello all!

well lol I have not written but today me and my friend were looking through our old blogs and I thought it would be fun to write now. I have come a long way from the confused teenager I used to be. I moved out of clinton and went to college. it did me a lot of good to get out of this town. I think i needed to separate myself for a bit. but I am back in town for awhile but not for long! my friends and I are blowing this popsicle stand and heading out to try it somewhere else! we are going to ren toghether and share expenses. I am excited to see what else is out there. I was scared to start over on my own..which is why this is awesome. I love my friends and moving with them means I have people I can depend on and so do they. I don't know how my family will take it but we will see. they want me to be happy. And I am not happy here. no , I don't know if I will be happy thier either but hey...I have to a least try. If I don't then I will regret it my whole life. I want to be better than this person who is just floating through life doing what everyone expects me to. graduate, go to college, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids...move back to my hometown and raise my kids....WHAT IF I WANT MORE THAN THE NORMAL. I am not saying that I don't wnat those things but...man...Who says that has to be me? who says thats all that I can be? I am in control of my life and I Want to live it while I can. I am happier now that I have been in a long time. things are not perfect but...i read my olds blogs and i do not know who that miserable, depressed person was. I was down and out with no way out. Now I am happy...I have faith that i will not fall in to that miserable trap again. lif is diffrent now and so am I. I still have not found myself compleatly but...I have come so far from that person. I am no doormat now...I am strong, I have confidence.. I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I no longer am listening to the people that care nothing for me. I live for me now. I live for me. And finally there is a me....i am my own person finally. I am still discovering what that person is made of, but finally....I like myself and what I have come to be. anywho! lol I will keep up on my blogging now! as tigger would say ttyl! lol :P