Thursday, May 14, 2009
randomness.......
well...this is just a random post...no real reason for writing just wasting some time and venting a bit...who knows people say it helps. but...I don't want to vent anymore. I don't care too. I can vent and vent...I can go over the issues and problems again and again and what good would it do...what good has it ever done? obviously not a lot. so for now...no more. no more venting, no more fighting, no more thinking things over and over and stressing myself out. right now I will take life as it comes and just deal....Chell told me I just need a change...well I have a feeling change is coming for me whether I want it to or not. And if it doesn't find me I will just have to go look for it....*sigh* ( I really am a drama queen sometimes..lol) and what do you know....I ended up venting after all..SHIT...grrrr
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
gonna keep my head held high.....
ok ...lol
so things are looking up ...I am ont yet where I want or need to be but I am counting my blessings and realizing how many I have....family, friends, shelter, food, a vehicle....I HAVE COME TO SEE I AM SPOLIED...and spoiled rotten at that. there are many people who have much less than me and well...I should be happy with what I have...and the people I have in my life. My family as misguided as they may be in understanding who I am...they are trying and they love me and only want what
is best for me...my friends are awesome... amazing really...they know me better than I know myself sometimes.
ow all of this being said...some days all I can see is the things that are missing...I no longer have the energy...or the WANT to care about things that should mean the world to me...somedays just getting in my car with my paycheque and driving.....and driving....driving....see where I end up. which is not all around a bad idea. it would be an expierece. what scares me about that is that I dont know if I would tell anyone.I don't know if i would phone home. I don't know if I would come home. that is not an insult to the people in my life...it is not thier fault in the least. I know I would be hurting everyone If i did leave but...I need to find me..and in my current surrondings with everyone from my childhood surronding me I still feel like a child. I need to leave in order to grow into the woman I know I can be. I am nothing more than a doormat right now. I have no personality of my own. I am like a chamillion...I blend to my surrondings so as not to be noticed..i wish to be invisible and it works...all to well sometimes. I am lost ...what scares me the most..is this post is eerily similar to post from grade 8, 9, 10 etc...I have been trying to find myself forever...I have been unhappy and lost for so long I fear I can never correct it.
but as I said I will keep my head held high.
so things are looking up ...I am ont yet where I want or need to be but I am counting my blessings and realizing how many I have....family, friends, shelter, food, a vehicle....I HAVE COME TO SEE I AM SPOLIED...and spoiled rotten at that. there are many people who have much less than me and well...I should be happy with what I have...and the people I have in my life. My family as misguided as they may be in understanding who I am...they are trying and they love me and only want what
is best for me...my friends are awesome... amazing really...they know me better than I know myself sometimes.
ow all of this being said...some days all I can see is the things that are missing...I no longer have the energy...or the WANT to care about things that should mean the world to me...somedays just getting in my car with my paycheque and driving.....and driving....driving....see where I end up. which is not all around a bad idea. it would be an expierece. what scares me about that is that I dont know if I would tell anyone.I don't know if i would phone home. I don't know if I would come home. that is not an insult to the people in my life...it is not thier fault in the least. I know I would be hurting everyone If i did leave but...I need to find me..and in my current surrondings with everyone from my childhood surronding me I still feel like a child. I need to leave in order to grow into the woman I know I can be. I am nothing more than a doormat right now. I have no personality of my own. I am like a chamillion...I blend to my surrondings so as not to be noticed..i wish to be invisible and it works...all to well sometimes. I am lost ...what scares me the most..is this post is eerily similar to post from grade 8, 9, 10 etc...I have been trying to find myself forever...I have been unhappy and lost for so long I fear I can never correct it.
but as I said I will keep my head held high.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I am ok...I think
I don't really have anything else to say about that right now....I am destroying my life...piece by piece and ...I have no idea how to stop it. unemployed.. broke...failing...and moving back home...hmmm....I'm doing awesome aren't I?
Monday, March 9, 2009
i have come so far...
hello all!
well lol I have not written but today me and my friend were looking through our old blogs and I thought it would be fun to write now. I have come a long way from the confused teenager I used to be. I moved out of clinton and went to college. it did me a lot of good to get out of this town. I think i needed to separate myself for a bit. but I am back in town for awhile but not for long! my friends and I are blowing this popsicle stand and heading out to try it somewhere else! we are going to ren toghether and share expenses. I am excited to see what else is out there. I was scared to start over on my own..which is why this is awesome. I love my friends and moving with them means I have people I can depend on and so do they. I don't know how my family will take it but we will see. they want me to be happy. And I am not happy here. no , I don't know if I will be happy thier either but hey...I have to a least try. If I don't then I will regret it my whole life. I want to be better than this person who is just floating through life doing what everyone expects me to. graduate, go to college, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids...move back to my hometown and raise my kids....WHAT IF I WANT MORE THAN THE NORMAL. I am not saying that I don't wnat those things but...man...Who says that has to be me? who says thats all that I can be? I am in control of my life and I Want to live it while I can. I am happier now that I have been in a long time. things are not perfect but...i read my olds blogs and i do not know who that miserable, depressed person was. I was down and out with no way out. Now I am happy...I have faith that i will not fall in to that miserable trap again. lif is diffrent now and so am I. I still have not found myself compleatly but...I have come so far from that person. I am no doormat now...I am strong, I have confidence.. I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I no longer am listening to the people that care nothing for me. I live for me now. I live for me. And finally there is a me....i am my own person finally. I am still discovering what that person is made of, but finally....I like myself and what I have come to be. anywho! lol I will keep up on my blogging now! as tigger would say ttyl! lol :P
well lol I have not written but today me and my friend were looking through our old blogs and I thought it would be fun to write now. I have come a long way from the confused teenager I used to be. I moved out of clinton and went to college. it did me a lot of good to get out of this town. I think i needed to separate myself for a bit. but I am back in town for awhile but not for long! my friends and I are blowing this popsicle stand and heading out to try it somewhere else! we are going to ren toghether and share expenses. I am excited to see what else is out there. I was scared to start over on my own..which is why this is awesome. I love my friends and moving with them means I have people I can depend on and so do they. I don't know how my family will take it but we will see. they want me to be happy. And I am not happy here. no , I don't know if I will be happy thier either but hey...I have to a least try. If I don't then I will regret it my whole life. I want to be better than this person who is just floating through life doing what everyone expects me to. graduate, go to college, get a boyfriend, get married, have kids...move back to my hometown and raise my kids....WHAT IF I WANT MORE THAN THE NORMAL. I am not saying that I don't wnat those things but...man...Who says that has to be me? who says thats all that I can be? I am in control of my life and I Want to live it while I can. I am happier now that I have been in a long time. things are not perfect but...i read my olds blogs and i do not know who that miserable, depressed person was. I was down and out with no way out. Now I am happy...I have faith that i will not fall in to that miserable trap again. lif is diffrent now and so am I. I still have not found myself compleatly but...I have come so far from that person. I am no doormat now...I am strong, I have confidence.. I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I no longer am listening to the people that care nothing for me. I live for me now. I live for me. And finally there is a me....i am my own person finally. I am still discovering what that person is made of, but finally....I like myself and what I have come to be. anywho! lol I will keep up on my blogging now! as tigger would say ttyl! lol :P
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)