Thursday, May 14, 2009
randomness.......
well...this is just a random post...no real reason for writing just wasting some time and venting a bit...who knows people say it helps. but...I don't want to vent anymore. I don't care too. I can vent and vent...I can go over the issues and problems again and again and what good would it do...what good has it ever done? obviously not a lot. so for now...no more. no more venting, no more fighting, no more thinking things over and over and stressing myself out. right now I will take life as it comes and just deal....Chell told me I just need a change...well I have a feeling change is coming for me whether I want it to or not. And if it doesn't find me I will just have to go look for it....*sigh* ( I really am a drama queen sometimes..lol) and what do you know....I ended up venting after all..SHIT...grrrr
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
gonna keep my head held high.....
ok ...lol
so things are looking up ...I am ont yet where I want or need to be but I am counting my blessings and realizing how many I have....family, friends, shelter, food, a vehicle....I HAVE COME TO SEE I AM SPOLIED...and spoiled rotten at that. there are many people who have much less than me and well...I should be happy with what I have...and the people I have in my life. My family as misguided as they may be in understanding who I am...they are trying and they love me and only want what
is best for me...my friends are awesome... amazing really...they know me better than I know myself sometimes.
ow all of this being said...some days all I can see is the things that are missing...I no longer have the energy...or the WANT to care about things that should mean the world to me...somedays just getting in my car with my paycheque and driving.....and driving....driving....see where I end up. which is not all around a bad idea. it would be an expierece. what scares me about that is that I dont know if I would tell anyone.I don't know if i would phone home. I don't know if I would come home. that is not an insult to the people in my life...it is not thier fault in the least. I know I would be hurting everyone If i did leave but...I need to find me..and in my current surrondings with everyone from my childhood surronding me I still feel like a child. I need to leave in order to grow into the woman I know I can be. I am nothing more than a doormat right now. I have no personality of my own. I am like a chamillion...I blend to my surrondings so as not to be noticed..i wish to be invisible and it works...all to well sometimes. I am lost ...what scares me the most..is this post is eerily similar to post from grade 8, 9, 10 etc...I have been trying to find myself forever...I have been unhappy and lost for so long I fear I can never correct it.
but as I said I will keep my head held high.
so things are looking up ...I am ont yet where I want or need to be but I am counting my blessings and realizing how many I have....family, friends, shelter, food, a vehicle....I HAVE COME TO SEE I AM SPOLIED...and spoiled rotten at that. there are many people who have much less than me and well...I should be happy with what I have...and the people I have in my life. My family as misguided as they may be in understanding who I am...they are trying and they love me and only want what
is best for me...my friends are awesome... amazing really...they know me better than I know myself sometimes.
ow all of this being said...some days all I can see is the things that are missing...I no longer have the energy...or the WANT to care about things that should mean the world to me...somedays just getting in my car with my paycheque and driving.....and driving....driving....see where I end up. which is not all around a bad idea. it would be an expierece. what scares me about that is that I dont know if I would tell anyone.I don't know if i would phone home. I don't know if I would come home. that is not an insult to the people in my life...it is not thier fault in the least. I know I would be hurting everyone If i did leave but...I need to find me..and in my current surrondings with everyone from my childhood surronding me I still feel like a child. I need to leave in order to grow into the woman I know I can be. I am nothing more than a doormat right now. I have no personality of my own. I am like a chamillion...I blend to my surrondings so as not to be noticed..i wish to be invisible and it works...all to well sometimes. I am lost ...what scares me the most..is this post is eerily similar to post from grade 8, 9, 10 etc...I have been trying to find myself forever...I have been unhappy and lost for so long I fear I can never correct it.
but as I said I will keep my head held high.
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